An Ottawa therapist's 5 tips to help families talk about war in Ukraine

So many Canadians are refugees who have been through trauma in their homeland before making Canada home.

If war in Ukraine is triggering those traumas, Ottawa therapist, counsellor and founder of the Adlerian Counselling and Consulting GroupMarion Balla says to reach out for help.   

“They need to be very sensitive to themselves—kind--and reach out to the Distress Centre if they’re feeling overwhelmed.”

Balla says it’s important to ensure they are not isolated during this time.

“They need to feel that people can understand, will understand, and give them some strategies to realize that they are being re-traumatized and to ground them with ideas and support,” explains Balla.

“Our war veterans could also be easily triggered anytime there’s war in the world,” says Balla.

Balla lauds the parenting she has witnessed throughout the pandemic and acknowledges this war will create increasingly challenging dialogue in homes everywhere.  

“Russia’s ongoing invasion of the Ukraine is causing concern and outrage around the world and is prompting challenging conversations for families with children of all ages.”

“We are already living in a moment of heightened stress and anxiety and global events are hitting us at a time where many are already feeling emotionally vulnerable, including children.”

Balla says not all families are equally affected by what is happening in the Ukraine right now.

“Some have friends and relatives there or personal connection to the region, while others may have experienced conflict or war in their own lives or family histories. What is shared is the current global focus on watching the day-by-day, wall-to-wall media coverage of this ongoing crisis.”

Balla, who has been in practice for more than 45 years, says children today have much more exposure to news and stories from all over the world throughout the day.

“While this can help children be more informed and engaged in the world around them, they also risk being exposed to information that is far beyond their ability to process and understand, including distressing stories and graphic images of violence.”

“Social media plays a large part in this exposure and it is often taking place outside of parental supervision and thus, outside of parents’ ability help children understand and make sense of what they see and hear,” adds Balla.

“This means that parents must be much more deliberate in how they talk to their kids about things that are happening in the news.”

Here are Marion Balla’s five suggestions on how to frame conversations with children about Russia’s invasion of Ukraine.

1. Modelling calm and compassion

“This moment is upsetting for adults – we may be feeling sadness, fear, anger and confusion. Kids are very perceptive and will pick up on our own worries and fears.  They are also often listening to unfiltered adult conversations, even when we may not be aware of it. 

“As parents we need to find ways to acknowledge our feelings but not to let them overwhelm us so that we can model care and concern for the people of Ukraine (and those affected by other conflicts around the globe) without creating increased anxiety and distress in our children.”

2. Letting kids lead the conversation

“Children will have a range of reactions to what is happening in the Ukraine. Some will express curiousity and want to better understand what is going on, while others may feel heightened anxiety and fear. Some will want to talk about it and others won’t.  There is no ‘right way’ for children to feel.

“Whatever they are expressing, parents can acknowledge and validate their feelings, make space for open discussion and let their children know hat they are interested and listening.

“Instead of directing the conversation, parents should let their children shape the discussions, ask questions, express their feelings, and set the tone.

"We know that talking through our worries can help to make things seem manageable and reduce anxiety in children and in adults. It’s important to remember that not all children process their emotions through words so be mindful of other behaviours that might be signs of stress and provide other outlets for releasing ‘big feelings’.”

3. Age-appropriate, factual and honest information

“When they do want to talk about it, consider their developmental age for appropriate levels of detail and information.  For young children, making simple statements in terms they can relate to is likely enough. For example, “Right now two countries are fighting because the leader of one country wants to take something that doesn’t belong to them”. Do not give more information than they ask for but do answer questions honestly.

"Older children may have questions that need a more detailed conversation. They may want to see where this is happening on a map. It’s ok not to have all the answers and to say so.  There may even be some questions that you and your child can look into together.  This will also help counter the misinformation that is rampant on social media about the conflict.”

4. Providing Reassurance

“All parents try to help their children feel safe and secure. Exposure to scenes of war and conflict can make children feel like their world is destabilized and dangerous. This is particularly true for children from communities that have directly experienced such violence. 

"All children can benefit from parental reassurance that they are safe and that ‘grownups’ are working really hard to find a way to make things better. 

"Kids can often take on a feeling of responsibility or guilt when they see people suffering.  While compassion should be fostered in children, it is really important that they know that it is not their job to fix these big problems and that it is ok to continue to do regular things that they enjoy and that day-to-day life continues.”

5. Building empathy and compassion through action

“Often we feel most lost when we are watching world events and feeling helpless. Children often feel the same way and giving them something active to do can do two important things.  It can build compassion and empathy with those most affected by this conflict and can empower our children to feel like they can do something meaningful to help.

"Brainstorm ideas as a family -it could be activities like fundraising efforts, participating in support rallies, making art/messages of support to put in the windows, reaching out to communities affected locally or writing to politicians. Finding practical things children can do to make a difference is an important way of helping them feel some control in uncertain times.”

“Things are changing so quickly you feel almost helpless,” Balla explained on CTV’s News at Noon, “but I say let’s look for ways we can support the people of Ukraine.”

“We can we send donations to groups that are helping them to resettle or helping them to feel more protected in their country.”

You can reach Marion Balla or a member of her team at [e-mail] or 613-737-5553. You can reach the Ottawa Distress Centre at 613-238-3311.